“So, it’s red and short and cut in a low V in the front with little straps, and there’s no back to it except for a strip of lace,” replied my step-daughter Rory.
Was she describing:
a) The dress she was wearing to her bachelorette party.
a) The dress she was wearing to a bachelorette party.
a) The dress she was wearing to her bachelorette party.
a) The dress she was wearing to her bachelorette party.
b) The dress she wanted to get for her senior year Homecoming dance.
c) A dress she saw a Kardashian wearing on Instagram.
d) The dress her mom bought her to wear to her 8th grade graduation ceremony.
If you’re surprised that the answer is D, you probably do not have any pre-teen or teenage daughters.
Although it makes me feel old to start a sentence with “young girls these days,” let me tell you that young girls these days are wearing skintight clothes that bare most of their flesh and are designed to make women look sexy. These clothes are for adult women who can make decisions about how they want to look—for themselves, for their friends, and for men, and who can handle the consequences of their choices.
Is it normal for young teens to want to wear these clothes and see how their changing bodies look in them and feel pretty and grown-up? Absolutely. Teenagers are completely normal for being interested in this and wanting to look like the celebrities, models, and other women they see idolized in the media.
What should not be normal is the fact that so many parents these days allow them to actually wear the clothes—in public and in photos all over social media.
Parents, it is your job to guide your daughters. You need to be the adult who says, “I get that you love this dress. There are parts of it that I like too. Unfortunately, as your mom/dad/whomever, I have to tell you that it’s not appropriate for the occasion. What are your favorite parts about this dress? I think we can find one together that you love and that will work for you and for this function.”
If she presses you, it’s okay to explain what your specific objections are. As I’ve explained to Rory, the combination of short, tight, low in the front, and backless all in one dress is pretty much a no-go, not just for young teens, but for women too, in my personal opinion. Explain that it’s not about there being anything wrong or shameful about her body. Her body is beautiful, and she should be happy with how she looks and not feel that she needs to hide it. However, there is a line between hiding her body and flaunting her entire underage body in a way that is designed to be adult and sexual.
Speaking of dresses designed to be adult and sexual . . . Rory’s dress was literally named the Late Night Fantasy Dress by its designer. I am not making this up. Parents! Why are you letting your middle school daughters try on a Late Night Fantasy Dress, let alone approving it and purchasing it for her to wear, and to a graduation ceremony no less?
“Because it’s normal now. That’s what all the other girls are wearing too.” Unfortunately, this is true. I have seen many similar dresses on Rory’s friends, and some are far more scandalous than this one. I am so super confused, however, about what kind of parent makes choices for their children on this basis.
I wish everyone had great parents who guided their children on paths that will lead them toward being successful, fulfilled adults. But just because some of my kids’ friends and peers have parents who care more about making them happy in that moment than actually giving the guidance they desperately need, that is not going to make me shrug and say, “oh, well, I guess that’s how things are now.” Society and random strangers are not in charge of my children.
So, step up. Decide what your standards are for your daughter. Talk to her. Listen to what she likes and what her style is. Then, help her to find something that she loves that also meets your standards. She is growing up, but she’s not there yet. She still needs your guidance, so give it to her. She’ll thank you later.
#BeCreamy