“As a father, I just can’t imagine missing my daughter’s high school graduation.” My dad, who lived 2,000 miles away, did not agree with my reasons for why he should skip this event. I felt that the whole circus surrounding the “accomplishment” of not dropping out of high school was silly and overblown. I was headed to Northwestern in the fall and suggested that he wait four years and then celebrate that much more impressive accomplishment with me.
It’s not that I didn’t want him there. It’s that he could afford only one plane ticket, and there were two other events around that time that I reallywanted him to attend. I told him how much it would mean to me for him to be at my senior year dance recital. Dance had been my passion and main activity for seven years, and he had never seen me dance other than on VHS tape. The other event was a scholarship program in which I would be dancing a solo and speaking in public, and I was so proud and excited about that event too.
In my seventeen-year-old mind, it was far more meaningful for my father to watch me perform the talent I loved and had worked so hard at, as opposed to walking across a stage for five seconds. In his father mind, it was critical that he not miss the classic milestone of me graduating. As a mother myself now, I get it—I also can’t imagine missing my children’s graduation ceremonies. . . . but I can’t imagine missing the events that mean the world to them either.
It’s not that he was wrong to pick the graduation ceremony over the other events. It’s that I think he thought he was doing it for me. I think he thought he was “being a good father” by being there. He wasn’t. He was doing something for himself, which is fine. We all have to make choices, and sometimes we should choose ourselves over others. It’s a judgment call, and I’m not telling this story to judge.
I’m telling this story because not only as parents, but just as people in general, it is important that we step back and think about whose needs we are trying to meet when we do or choose something. If your goal is to do something for yourself that is important to you, then go for it! That’s simple. If your goal, however, is to do something for other people, then you need to make sure that you are meeting their needs. Unless you’re totally sure you are, try asking them, or at least listening when they are telling you what they want. If you choose yourself, that’s okay, but own it. Don’t pretend that you’re doing it for someone else.
My dad chose the graduation ceremony, and due to the cost of the plane ticket, the gift he gave me was an empty box that he said was full of love. He never saw me dance in person, and now I’m a grown-up without any more recitals to invite him to. Our parents’ decisions can shape our own for better or worse. I know where I’ll be in June when my kids are on stage dancing.
#BeCreamy